someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
