Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
