I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
