My room smells like vodka and shame
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
