I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
