My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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