the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
