Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
