I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
