last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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