he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
