i'm signing you up for texting rehab
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
