Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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