Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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