omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
