put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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