Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I seem to have left my pride at pride
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
