i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
