I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I need water and some morals
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