Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
