I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
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