who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
this boner is exhausting
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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