just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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