So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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