i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
