Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
