when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
