I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Ladies don't puke and tell
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
