All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
