got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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