Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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