C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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