he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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