I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
