You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Randomize
