Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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