I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
