I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize