On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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