Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize