i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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