the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
