Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
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