I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
