I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
