i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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