You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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