Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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