I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
