Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
