Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
