On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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