I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
