She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
