his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
