I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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