Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
