So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
