Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
you had me at cake vodka
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
