I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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