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I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
His hands were made for my vagina.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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