i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Randomize
