More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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