id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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