i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
