you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
